Sportcoats, Skirts, & Vodka: Jaelen's Blog

Life Among The Homeless: San Francisco Jack In The Box Edition

2010-10-14T23:49:00.000-07:00

We woke up at about 0830AM to head to the Jack In The Box in San Francisco for breakfast (all the other breakfast places were slammed).

We walked in, ordered, paid, everything was pretty standard until suddenly the door swings open and a stinky homeless man comes rushing in like a zombie from 28 days later with his hand held out.

My dad had just gotten his change from the cashier so he had his money in his hand which prompted the stinky crackhead to come straight to us and mumble some incoherent gibberish that sounded like "2 dollars sammich, sammich is 2 dollars" (with mumbled sounds and snake tongue thrown in between words).

My dad gave him the loose change he had and the guy continued to say "2 dollars, 2 dollars" at which point I gave him a few more coins and told him that's it, he replied with "sammich". At this point I got mad and told him to beat it, he left us and continued around the Jack In The Box.

With the homeless guy gone we were ready to sit down and eat so we go sit at a table and unwrap our food. Just as we sink our teeth into the breakfast a guy dressed in a blue pimp suit comes into the Jack In The Box and comes straight to us, he throws his hand out over our breakfast and goes "Heyyyyy" flashing some watches he was trying to sell us, we turned him away.

Finally as we are finishing our breakfast, a female homeless woman comes into the place sporting a supreme bitter beer face and cuts the line to stand in the middle of the counter and stare silently at the cashier.

Lesson: Until they get a bouncer, the Jack In The Box on Geary St. is a hotspot for homeless crackheads, street peddlers, and weirdos.

Business Ventures: Jenkem Dealer

2010-08-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

While searching for a business venture that has the lowest possible overhead, I have learned about what is known in the streets as "Jenkem".

"Jenkem" is an inhalant that is made from putting feces and urine into a bottle with a balloon on the top, once this urine and feces ferments (usually over the course of a week), the noxious gases rise into the balloon and can be huffed to produce an hour long hallucinogenic HIGH!

Imagine being the "Jenkem" dealer on the corner of 12th & broadway. your only overhead would be old plastic bottles and balloons, you could probably make 4-10 bottles a day if you divide the daily excrements up properly.

The catch is that even though this inhalant is organic, it is ILLEGAL. Yes, the government has outlawed Jenkem...that being said - Who the hell would inhale this!?!? I think I've solved the mystery of why an ex co-worker's breath stank so bad.

How stupid do you have to be to get in trouble for this drug? You can make it in your bathroom and if you get raided, human excrements in the bathroom is hardly as suspicious as a brick of coke in the bedroom. When talking about this drug you could literally say "this shit right here jigga, this shit right here"...this shit's called Jenkem.

I also love how the person who took this picture decided to do it in a public place on top of a block of cement in the grass rather than inside the house, have 'ye no shame sir Jenkem? I hope nobody I've ever met has tried this, I almost always shake hands. How mad would you be if you made-out with somebody and found out they were a habitual Jenkem user? I can't imagine this is a social drug, it's not like weed where you get together with your friends and offer them some of your Jenkem is it? If your breath smells like shit could a cop give you a DUI under suspicion of Jenkem usage?

I could say a million things about this, but I will just leave it as is.

Climbin' In Your Windows, Snatchin' Your People Up

2010-08-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

Today I was introduced to a ridiculous youtube video involving a man by the name of Antoine Dodson. Basically there was a news story coming out of Alabama about a man sneaking into Antoine's sister's bedroom and trying to rape her. During the news story about this event, Antoine was interviewed, and while in a semi-flamboyant rage said some pretty humorous things.

This video in and of itself was humorous, but THEN a few guys on youtube decided to take the news story and turn Antoine's rant into an auto-tune song...you must first watch the news story, after you finish the news story watch the auto-tune song. Hilarious.

Obviously the event itself is not humorous at all, attempted rape is no laughing matter, but somehow the videos have become an internet sensation. Hilarious or offensive? You decide.

Watch this one first...

Have you finished the above video? Ok watch this one now...

Lightning Bolt! Magic Missile! Death!

2010-08-03T17:29:00.000-07:00

Where were you during the battle of Azeroth? Hath the noble King of Magrathea not given you enough? The towns only sorcerer has just been killed by the vile Snake Woman and you can't even lift a finger to help me with these potions!?!

What's this all about? Well if you've never heard of LARPING (Live Action Role Playing), it's basically a bunch of grown folks who get together, dress up like world of warcraft characters, fight with plastic swords, and scream magic spells at each other.

I'm not passing judgement, it may be fun, but it is also very hilarious. If you look at the picture I have provided you can see the serious look in this mans eyes, he's probably the town's one and only "Lord Of The Merchant's".

I wonder if they ever get done with an epic battle then decide to go out for a beer together. I also wonder if anybody ever accidentally wanders into the forest while these guys are doing battle and walks away confused.

Life Among The Homeless: WTF Edition

2010-07-31T15:12:00.000-07:00

Last night, after dancing like I'd had years of training at a local club, I left and hung out in front of the pizza place next door with a few friends.
In my peripheral I noticed something that immediately made me do a double take, a drunk girl who had probably just left the club was leaned up against the side of a building making out with a homeless man!

Let me get this straight, in the club when she's dancing with dudes her friends were probably grabbing her to go to the bathroom or to the other side of the club, but when she's outside making out with a homeless man her friends are nowhere to be found. Her friends may have saved her from going home with that guy wearing the rolex, but luckily for the homeless guy they seem to have disappeared after the club shut down.

I know what you're thinking, "How do you know he was homeless?", believe me...this guy was wearing like 6 coats and a backpack, he was homeless.

Talk about waking up hungover with regrets, and where would she wake up? (market street) Unless of course she invited the homeless guy back to her house, and if she still lives with daddy I bet that was an awkward morning.

Workout Tips From Fat Guys

2010-07-30T13:17:00.001-07:00

I remember a time when I was with a friend of mine, we were talking about different fitness plans and ways to get that "beach body" for the occasions when we find ourselves placed on the "skins" team, invited to pool parties, or near a high school (just kidding).

A funny thing happened as we were talking about different exercise plans, suddenly a fat guy turns as if our conversation found it's way into his ear, and he starts giving us fitness tips.

"Man you gotta do some squats"

Ok guy.

I'm a polite guy so I just nodded along with a half smile on my face and took his advice, and I'm not downplaying the value of squats, but sometimes if you aren't in a position to be giving advice on something, don't do it. I'm not going to give somebody advice on navigating through the rain forest because I've never done it, nor will I give advice on the perfect baby shower gifts. I will, however, give advice on how to be a "Badass Mother F*cker" (step 1: wear tan socks).

I believe that a person can know a lot about something without necessarily doing it (that fancy book learnin'), but nobody wants to take fitness tips from a fat guy, even if he wrote the manual.

Now let me tell you what it's like to be Guatemalan...

Life Among The Homeless: Stank Edition

2010-07-28T17:35:00.000-07:00

Today I decided to drive to a delicious Mexican restaurant to have a nice meal by myself (independent woman: the man edition). As I left the restaurant I turned left and was walking a few feet behind an obviously crazy homeless old man (derelicte chic).

Suddenly this homeless man turns around looking in my general direction and yells "I DON'T HAVE TO FUCKIN' LISTEN TO YOU AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE ANOTHER SHIT TWICE!!"

Instinct took over and I sidestepped to the right and kept walking at a slightly faster pace, as if I was passing and putting distance between myself and a drunk driver on the highway. As I was walking I could hear him still yelling at whoever else was walking behind him including little 8 year old tourists from Mexico (or maybe he was yelling at the voices).

This transaction of "crazy talk" made me think of all the other times I've seen the homeless sitting on the street talking crazy to themselves, are they homeless because they're so crazy or are they crazy because they're so homeless?

I remember one time a friend and I were driving downtown, we stopped at a light and spotted a homeless man sitting to the right of us without any shoes, so we decided to give him the old pair of shoes that were sitting in the back seat of my friend's car (philanthropists we are). My friend tell's me to open my window and give them to him, so I roll down my window and yell "hey!" while I wiggle the box of shoes outside of his window.

The homeless man stops picking his belly button and perks up and begins to try to get up (he was fat), suddenly a homeless female comes out of nowhere (doing the crackhead chest itch) with a big smile on her face nodding her head up and down as if to say "F*ck yeah I'll take those shoes".

Meanwhile my friend yells "dude throw 'em, don't attract all of them to the car, they'll be touchin' you and shit!" (Don't let 'um put the stank on ya)

The light turns green, I throw the box of shoes onto the sidewalk, and we speed off toward the highway entrance. I could see him out of the rear window of the car grabbing the box of shoes and looking inside, hopefully they made his quality of life significantly better. I just hope he didn't trade the shoes to the crackhead for a blowjob.

The Coronado Ferry Landing & Beyond

2010-06-28T20:55:00.002-07:00

On Saturday I decided to take a walk up to "Coronado Brewing Company" and eat until I felt sick (*looks at the menu* I'll take everything please). I sat at the bar and randomly "shot the shit" with some of the people who just got off work, they decided to stick around and take a few strong drinks to the dome (then drive).

I paid my bill with rare stamps from my collection (neil armstrong's moon landing stamp circa 1969, the manager was pleased but the waitress was confused), for change they gave me back my stamps and had me escorted out. I decided to walk to the ferry landing and take in the beauty.

While standing near the water I observed a family of Mexican tourists, they were obviously here for a marriage, and probably wondering who the weird white guy (me) was that was eavesdropping on their Spanish and getting in the backround of all the wedding photo's. Well I was eavesdropping on the Spanish because I'm learning Spanish and a small party happens in my head everytime I understand what they are saying, they also say if you don't use it you lose it (Pero estoy estudiando espanol!!!!)

I also saw a wild family of five riding toward me on segway scooters, at about ten feet in front of me they made a sharp turn left and parked on the beach sand. The mother took her sunglasses from the "over the eyes" position up to the "on top of her head" position and started to spout the gameplan to the family. She looked like a politician giving a speech from behind a podium, alas it was a segway scooter.

Sometimes it's nice to just go walking and enjoy random slices of life.

The Knockaround Idiots, Pt. 2

2010-06-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Well, they're at it again (no surprise, it's every day), if you don't know who "they" are then you should read the first "Knockaround Idiots" article. Basically it's some fools who live on the floor above me throwing each other around the room because they think they're making the girls in the building wet or preparing for a contract with the UFC.

This time though, I can hear muffled screaming as if one of the guys is pinned down and he's screaming into a pillow. I bet if I wandered into the room with my fitted shirt and general lack of interest in fighting and confrontation they'd probably label me a pussy--don't care. These guys are probably the same kind of guys who'd sooner die than be caught with a "Mike's Hard Pomegranate Punch" in hand, and will never admit they like the movie "Something's Gotta Give" (Jack Nicholson's a beast).

I've probably got friends like this so I'm not trying to hate, look at it this way one of my friends is probably writing an article about how I'm a pussy because I enjoy liquor mixed with pineapple juice and don't like the taste of most beers (unless the moods right and it's a rolling rock or something).

I do believe though that sometimes there is such a thing as trying to be "too macho" or too much of an "alpha male", if you're confident in who you are you should be able to go see "Valentine's Day" with your girlfriend at the theater without wearing a hat, sunglasses, and darting your eyes back and forth wondering if anybody you know is going to see you. People love to label and generalize things though, if you're a guy you're supposed to like sports and hate any movie without explosions, if a black guy jams to death metal the universe is off tilt, and if a white guy enjoys mostly hip-hop and R&B then he thinks he's black. Drop the labels and just take each person for who they are, when you start to think in generalizations and labels you just box people in, and I'm living free as can be (can't box me in).

The Celebrity Cheat Pass

2010-06-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

I always hear about married people making a pact with each other, I'm not talking about "'till death do us part", I'm talking about the pact that details which celebrity they are allowed to f**k if they get the chance. This fantasy pact is quite flawed, especially when some guy with a trash 'stache who just got off the night shift at Denny's is talking about how if he ever meets Jessica Alba "it's goin' down".

For this pact to actually work without any hard feelings both partners would have to not only meet their celebrity crush, they would also have to somehow convince the celebrity that f**king a random "#1 fan" is a good idea. I'll admit it would probably be much easier for the wife to convince her celebrity crush (unless it's a woman), because those hollywood males are always "beatin' guts" (champagne & pussy in the tour bus...champagne & pussy).

Let's think about this though, is any male really willing to let Plies do a reverse wheelbarrow on their girl in exchange for a two pump chump session with Jessica Alba where they would probably leave her unsatisfied? Yeah you got yours, but it's gonna go by quick (once your brain realizes you're inside Jessica Alba and sends that message to your penis, it's over), meanwhile your girl is all covered in goon juice. For the next few weeks your girl is listening to Plies in the car all the time, rockin' the "Bust It Baby 2" ringtone. Is it worth it?

The fact of the matter is, Jessica Alba is married with a kid, so anyone short of James Bond or The President probably doesn't have much of a shot. Plies, however, probably has a troupe of boppers often. If I was a gambling man I'd say those odds are fixed.

'Ze Puppy Will Teach 'Zem

2010-06-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

A 26-year old German student in Bavaria caused a 3 mile traffic jam today after making a rude gesture at a group of Hell's Angels and then hurling a puppy at them. As if the story is not odd enough already, he escaped on a stolen bulldozer. The traffic jam was caused when he dumped the stolen bulldozer and ran the rest of the way to his home where he was apprehended by police.

If you aren't familiar with the "Hell's Angels", the FBI considers them as one of the "big four" motorcycle gangs in the world; the FBI also insists that they carry out widespread violence, drug dealing, trafficking in stolen goods, and extortion. Members of the group insist that they are just a group of motorcycle enthusiasts who enjoy meeting to ride motorcycles together. In any case, why would somebody decide to throw a puppy at them? Lastly, what the hell kind of getaway vehicle is a bulldozer? How fast does a bulldozer really go? The "Hell's Angels" involved were probably more confused than anything, and if he got away in a bulldozer I can't imagine they put much effort into pursuing him.

This really happened, I wouldn't make this shit up!

In Guam They'll Get'cha

2010-06-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

If you tip a stripper in Guam you just might get your ass beat. Luckily I do not know this from personal experience but when I was in Guam a few friends of mine had gone to a strip club called "Club USA" and came back with the entertaining story I am about to tell you (get your 'Worther's Originals' ready and listen).

Three of them go to this place, two of them had already been here before (so they know the deal), but they get the other guy to sit right up at the stage. They throw down some dollars in front of him (the tip) and the stripper starts to come over (the guy probably thinks he's about to get some titties in his face). The girl comes over and slams his head down onto the stage and sits on his head while she commences to slapping/beating the hell out of his back, then she starts scratching his back. She finishes by pouring beer down his back then ripping the elastic off his underwear and climbing the pole to hang the elastic from the ceiling.

That's how they do it in Guam baby! Not sure how the tips in exchange for ass beating tradition started but it always makes for a good time if you take a friend along who doesn't know the deal. Needless to say the guy with beer in his scratch wounds and no elastic on his underwear was pretty pissed off, but to everyone else that shit was hilarious! Imagine walking around with elastic-less undies on and beer trickling down your taint, not to mention a back in pain and two laughing friends who keep fucking with you about it, then they go tell everyone the minute they get the chance. They should have bought his drinks for the rest of the night.

Poopin' & Taggin'

2010-06-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

I was in a public bathroom recently (as I often am) and it's always a happy moment when you see that they keep a stock of seat covers in fresh supply. I have an entire ritual I do in public toilets, I wipe the entire seat with some TP and then flush. Why flush? Flushing first is a must just in case somebody left some spunk or clear wee wee in the bowl that is invisible to the naked eye, wouldn't want that splashing up on you would you?

After this I either grab a seat cover, or if the public bathroom in question does not keep these in stock, I do the ole' toilet paper trick where you assemble a sort of crude seat cover with pieces of toilet paper.

Aside from my strategic toilet rituals, I always enjoy the wall graffiti on the stalls, some of it is horribly ignorant but sometimes it is hilarious. Sometimes you may even learn life lessons on the wall of a stall. In the stall in question, this is what I saw...

Left Wall: The first thing I noticed on the left wall was that somebody had written "Fuck This Job", but it had been crossed out and under that somebody had written "Fuck Your Life", and under that somebody had simply wrote "lolz". I look a little to the left of that and I see a crude drawing of a naked woman spreading her legs and the artist had written "based off of a real whore with big titties", under that somebody had written "is it your girlfriend?", and under that somebody had drawn a monstrous dong snaking it's way up through the words to gently touch the private parts of the "whore" in question.

Central Wall a.k.a. The Door: Straight ahead on the door was a phone number with an area code I did not recognize, it was written in what I could only describe as 72 point Arial Bold Font. I didn't call it, I wonder if anybody has ever actually written their own number on a stall wall; kind of like, hey what's up man...oh just takin' a shit, yeah I know how that is...heres my number bro get at me sometime. Under the phone number I think somebody wrote something in wingdings too, you know, that font that you accidentally printed your college thesis in and your professor didn't see the humor.

Right Wall: The thing that stuck out the most on the right wall was a swastika. I'm not really sure what's cool about this symbol and all of the hatred and horrible acts it is associated with (usually folks who scratch it into bathroom stalls don't have it's Hindu origins in mind), ignorant folks need to get a little more peace, happiness, and love in their lives. Anybody who lives looking for something to hate has taken a wrong turn at some point in their lives. I guess somebody who came along felt the same way about the swastika because next to it in thick sharpee marker was a big floppy dong squirting jizz'um all over the swastika.

The picture I have with this article is not of that stall, but I find it hilarious that in the picture that is with this article it appears that somebody has written "Don't Vote" on that bathroom wall. This also makes me think of that South Park episode with P. Diddy and his "Vote Or Die" campaign, his song was hilarious where he says "shake your titties when you vote bitch". Well, I'm starting to ramble, I'm really just hoping the google ads generator on my page that generates ads based on words in my blogs has ads for South Park and P. Diddy instead of swastika related links.

Now That's A Good Look

2010-06-20T22:17:00.001-07:00

When we were in elementary school it wasn't exactly considered cool to dress up, the key words there are elementary school, and we're not there anymore folks. I'm sure we've all changed a lot since those days, back then the coolest kids were probably wearing shirts five sizes too big for them and pants that were too big without even the aid of a belt. I'm not gonna lie, I used to wear much baggier clothing than I do now days (I'm on that fitted clothing look now bitches!).

The sad fact though is that another "cool" thing back in the day was to not care much for education and to even act uneducated, some people even today are all grown up still spelling words in horrible ways (bitch you know school is not spelled skewl *katt williams voice*). When we were younger all the kids that articulated their words and kept their grades up were probably not in the highest of social circles, the bad part is that some people don't realize that once you grow up it is exactly the opposite.

I guess the funny thing is, some people realize this when growing up and make it a point to start reading books, learning things, and present themselves well. I mean would we really look at James Bond the same if instead of wearing a suit he was wearing an XXXL shirt and speaking like he'd hardly graduated third grade? Definitely not. This is something everyone should learn and realize at some point between the age of 18-30 (I'm being liberal in the age range here).

So what do I propose? Well if you've read to this point and have said "why's he using such big words" even once you should probably start reading some books; you know, expand your vocabulary and mind. What books are good? Well I thoroughly enjoyed "The Kite Runner" and "A Thousand Splendid Suns" and they are both by the same author, but there are millions of great books out there. When it comes to non-fiction I enjoy presidential biographies (they rose to the top, who better to learn from?).

Next, I propose that more people embrace sportcoats, vests, button-ups (that fit), belts...you know, big boy shit. This is no secret, but I guess to some people it is, women find a man much more GQ-esque when he is dressed up than when he is drowning in his own shirt (if the shirt is blue the crowd gasps in horror). Sometimes you also feel the way you are dressed, so maybe if you dress up you will feel as successful as you look, or atleast more ambitious and inclined to success (just a thought).

Ok, so you've been reading and dressing up, that is very good but working on your education is important as well (reading even if not for school is a way to educate yourself, keep doing it). If you can afford college you should already be there, if you can't you should look into financial aid or loan programs, and if you don't want to rack up all of that debt you can always join the military and get it for free (choose your military branch wisely to fit who you are). Put everything you have into your classes, you aren't paying so much money to fuck up!

Those are all things that will help lead you to success, but there are certain things you have to have naturally like people skills and confidence (these things can be built upon). It's also "a good look" to keep up with the news and to know a decent bit of history (atleast the big stuff like World War II, don't tell me we fought against Iceland or some stupid shit come on man!). Also, try not to mean mug people unless they truly deserve it, unless you live in a really bad part of town you don't need to always look "hard", you can greet people with a smile and a handshake sometimes.

Of course I'm not saying to wear a sportcoat everywhere you go, I still wear t shirts (that fit) and jeans (that fit) half of the time, but every once in awhile it's a good look to throw on the vest, white button up, fake Gucci cuff links, and fancy tie. If you're proud to be educated, always learning, speaking intelligently, and dressing well, I've got to say "Now That's A Good Look"...oh yeah, and don't do crack or crystal meth (in fact, stay away from the hard stuff all-together). Now go out there and get it.

The Beach Geezer Film Crew

2010-06-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

I was with a buddy of mine one day on Coronado island walking on the sidewalk next to the beach when we saw what looked like a film crew going down the stairs to the beach area. We were pretty buzzed at this point in the afternoon (I on alcohol and he on some kind of devil's harvest!) and my buddy is an aspiring director so he naturally got excited and was like "Whaaaaat, I think that's a film crew...let's go check this out".

Suddenly we are two men on a mission, heading toward a possible learning experience for my friend, a chance for him to see how the big boys make a film. Our pace quickens and he's got the look of adventure on his face that only a small child has when playing a game of "make believe". Once we reach the opening of the stairs and peer down into the beach to see this amazing sight suddenly our smiles turn to confusion and we realize it's just a group of old folks scouring the beach with metal detectors looking for loose change, arrowheads, maybe some treasure.

Needless to say my friend was disappointed, I remember him saying something like "whaaaat, oh man they're just doing that? Come on...well let's go eat". Like I said, we were buzzin man! (or woman!) We got some nice sized burgers and got attacked by hungry birds at the beach bar but it's all good, I wonder what those treasure hunters found?

Sneezin' On The Doc

2010-06-19T21:34:00.001-07:00

In May I was unlucky enough to land a two week stay in the hospital for a nasty sometimes fatal brain infection called 'Bacterial Meningitis'. Most of this experience was very painful and unpleasant, but there are a few humorous things that happened while I was laid up in the hospital.

One of the days the sinus doctor came in to take samples from my sinus's with this flexible thing he had to shove up my nose about 8 inches. I'm laying there already feeling horrible with this thing up my nose and it starts causing me to sneeze repeatedly, and I'm sneezing all over the doctor's face. I'm pretty sure I sneezed about ten times and it was getting all over the doctor and I'm trying to apologize as this is happening. A few days later we get the test results back from the sample and they say they may have found a highly contagious and dangerous bacteria in the sample, my first thought is what's going through the doctor's mind knowing that a few days earlier he was wearing that bacteria as a suit.

I was also on Dilaudid for the pain associated with the bacterial meningitis, and occasionally zofran for the nausea associated with the illness and with the drugs being given. I'm in an isolation room all alone without a working television, laying in silence with a horrible brain infection all drugged up...needless to say I began hallucinating. I heard wild drum solos in my left ear that were not really there, I saw the shape of a magician flash across the room with his hat, and I occasionally would forget to breathe for 20 seconds at a time.

A friend of mine was visiting one day and the nurse came in to ask me the standard questions and as she left my friend says "hey man she's cute" to which I replied "just be glad you're not talking to her about your bowel movements". Oh and how about that call button, sometimes it takes an hour for the nurses to get to you, but I understand they're busy, as long as they're not stargazing in the hallway while I'm half dead in room 419 I can't complain, the doc's and nurses fixed me after all.

The Alaskan Cane Aficionado

2010-06-19T19:44:00.001-07:00

There was a time when a cane was a normal part of my wardrobe due to an unfortunate accident involving a truck and myself as I walked through a crosswalk. This resulted in my tibia cracking in half and poking through my skin, all that bone and meat made me think of some juicy baby backs as the morphine went through my body (just kidding).

Funny thing though, I used to frequent a bar and I had the pleasure of meeting a drunk Alaskan Eskimo man with a deep deep DEEP southern accent who loved everything about cane's and rings, which made me suspicious maybe this was an Alaskan pimp on holiday in San Diego for the week.

So I'm on the patio about to sip my drink when I hear "Nice cane" and I turn around and the guy has two cigarettes sticking out the top of his pack as if to offer me one. I deny the cigarette and he begins talking again "You know...there's two things I like...cane's...and rings". I ponder this odd conversation we are starting for a second then I say, "are you a pimp?" and he suddenly replies "Hell no I ain't no pimp, I just like some goddamn cane's and rings". I also found it funny in retrospect how he said "there's two things I like" as if cane's and rings are the only two things he likes in life.

Next he asks me if he can see my cane, so I let him look, he flips it upside down and starts inspecting the rubber on the tip and asks "what brand of cane is this?". I look at him and say "I don't know man, the hospital gave it to me". He starts picking at the rubber, he asks "can I take this rubber tip off, the inside might have the brand". Now he is overreaching his cane privelages, I reply with a "no man, you fuck up the rubber and I won't be walking right, give me that shit back!".

He reluctantly gives the cane back at which point he tells me he wants to buy it from me, to which I replied no (I needed it to walk, otherwise the hustle's on). He also asked me if I had any rings (I didn't), then he showed me the rings he was wearing while I pretended to be interested and tried to force an "I gotta get going" into the conversation.

A few weeks after this encounter I started walking without the cane (St. Patty's 2010 mothafucka what!), but like The Notorious B.I.G. before me I was once a man with a cane, and I probably could have sold that cane to the Alaskan for a decent profit had I really wanted to.

The Knockaround Idiots

2010-06-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

I've lived in my current building now for a few months and ever since I've been here I've had to deal with the sound of the idiots upstairs fighting for hours at a time. When I say fighting I actually mean that it sounds like they are throwing each other around the room, maybe even into dressers and TV stands.

This is the only explanation I can think of to explain the sounds coming from upstairs, what I can't think of is why they throw each other around the room for hours at a time.

In trying to get to the bottom of this mystery I have come to two possible conclusions:

Possibility #1: They think it's cool, and that the girls living in the building think the same. They probably have it all planned out in their heads. They're up there thinking, okay we throw each other around for a bit and suddenly we hear a knock at the door. We go answer the door to see two "fine ass bitches" and look at each other like "dayyyummmm". They take a few steps through the door frame without speaking a word, the hotter more courageous girl says "so...boys, you the ones making all the noise around this complex?". Alpha male #1 says "fuck yeah we are" through the fresh blood in his mouth from a recent encounter with Alpha male #2's kneecap. The girl says "well boys, the sound of you two throwing each other around may annoy the fuck out of everyone else, but it makes us cream, so what do you say we do about this wetness?". Suddenly a "boi oi oi oi oiiiing" sound effect fills the room and the camera fades to black.

Possibility #2: They think that by throwing themselves around the room they are preparing for the inevitable UFC contract awaiting them in the future. Let's just hope their first fights are with amateur apartment building tenants.

In either case these guys are a couple of idiots, because some of us in this concrete hopefully earthquake safe building are trying to get some sleep, so practice sleeper holds on each other.